my grief

They say nothing is permanent. That life keeps moving, that love fades, that passion shifts, that obsession finds a new name and a new face. They say everything substitutes itself eventually. But they are wrong. I have witnessed the permanence of my grief. It has intertwined itself with me so completely that I no longer know where it ends and I begin. Without it, I feel hollow. Neither peaceful, nor healed, just empty like a shell. Like a room stripped of furniture. Like my right arm has been amputated and I am standing in the kitchen unable to open a jar of pickles on my own, staring at something so ordinary and feeling the weight of what is missing. 

Sometimes grief takes the shape of my father. It presses against my wounds and it soothes them. It whispers promises of a better future, the kind he would have wanted for me. It fills the space with everything I miss. His voice, his presence. The certainty that someone was standing behind me. And grief does not just stop there. I begin with missing my father, and somehow I end up at the friends I have lost. Then I wander through old stories, through the boy I loved, through the passion I folded carefully into a suitcase and threw away into the corner of my room. I think about the potential I wasted, the versions of me that could have existed. Every road leads back to the same place.

Grief stays. It stays through every phase of my life. It follows me like a shadow. It does not matter if it is 12 o'clock at night or 1 o'clock in the afternoon. It always finds its way back home to me. It sits beside me in crowded rooms. It lies next to me in the dark. It waits patiently when I try to distract myself. The permanence of my grief is sometimes unsettling. Some things do not change. Some things do not leave. And maybe I have grown around it, maybe I have learned to carry it better, but it is still here. It is still mine. My Grief.

Fatherless child

I wanted to write something so I opened my notes app and started scrolling down to find a folder and stumbled across stuff I wrote earlier, about my dad, about death, about us. There were these lines which went like "there were people who carried me when I was sick but it wasn't what they chose to do, it wasn't their love for me rather their duty towards their widowed sister and that realisation hurt more. They never became anything other than just a person I knew, and that's why I kept searching for huge arms which will keep me warm in winter, and hold me tight during storms, for as long as I remember, maybe I am a bit needy but I am a fatherless child after all."

A paradox .

 "I sometimes think if there's a another universe or another timeline so that the incomplete tale would continue there, it makes me speculate about the millions of consequences, millions of moments, millions of stories. How'd it begin and how'd it end? Why did it begin and why did it end? When did it begin and did it even end?Where did you see me and when did you burn me? Was it worth chasing me through different timelines and different universe, would you even remember this universe, this bond, this me over the continuous and mysterious loop of galaxies? Travel through the stars and let them know love wins over time and tide. Mulling over what I've said is true and there are other timelines and universes where we exist and infinite realities exist too. In some we are together in some we never even met.The universes where you're mine I can say ,with every atom of my existence, the me from there is content with life. But, that's me from a different universe with a different you leading a different life. How could I be happy knowing that? I'm not me from that universe. I'm me in this universe,in this timeline. And I love you in this universe in such a way no other me from any other universes or timelines could." And this is why I call myself a walking paradox unable to completely love and give myself and yet contemplating how'd it feel to love and give myself to someone . 

Insanity.

 Love is such a mystery that it drives you crazy. You start to do things that you once hated because they like it. You might not even expect to find love at a certain place and then suddenly a stranger walks by and you are head over heels in love with them. That's the specialty of this insane feeling. We have heard people say that they fell in love at the first sight but tell me if love isn't based on appearance then how do people fall in love at the very first sight. I might have an answer to that too that person might have something that you are looking for and your heart knows it. When that certain person walked by you they awoke something in you that even you didn't know you had . A hope. That strange face that you didn't know till a few moments ago now you search for them in the midst of crowded places only to catch a glimpse of them. They might not even look at you but there your heart aches for a glance for a look for a smile. You hold them in such a way that you can't tell them how and what you feel about them because your connection is so fragile that it might break and shatter your own heart and bleed your hands out if you put too much pressure on them, but there goes your silly little heart seeking for single glance, for a single look, for a single chance. 

Chaos

Years after years pass by 

Those chaotic memories ,now seem to be peaceful;

Those sweet memories, became bitter for my wounded heart ;

The courageous heart that once stood with everyone,

Now fears of being spotted in a crowd. 

The childlike essence changed into a cold sense, 

I am afraid of being like them. 

The people who stabbed me , their faces , are my nightmares. 

Fighting in the dark , 

Resurfacing old scars, 

Smiling faces hiding tears, 

Silently sharping spears ;

To return what's given. 

But won't that make me one of them?

Once unleashed, quite difficult to tame

For they say,"an eye for an eye 

Makes the whole world go blind"

But what if the consequences are so unfair, 

To not let me shine 

Is forgiveness so wise,

To open for me the path to the Divine ?

Lonely.

 I crawled upto my loneliness, 

As it touched me like no soul ever did. 

The night felt long

I desired death to kiss me, 

And take me along. 

Desires turned despairs, 

The misery of being left;

Alone in this sombre life. 

The selcouth feeling touching the heart, 

Cicatrizing my wounds . 

Striking the unhealed spots ;

Time and again , 

Speaking language of the lonely, 

Only the left ones can understand . 

Abandoning myself , 

Entertaining death ;

With each passing day , 

Loving the life of the wretched. 

Misery.

I accepted it a long time ago that I am not the person people will want. I am that person people have when they have nowhere to go or are bored. I am not counted in. I am not invited. I am not called for. I am just there to fill the space so that they don't realise the missing link. I am there so that they can joke about me. I'm never needed. I am never wanted. I cannot help it I cannot become someone they want. I promised myself that I will never be that person who refuses to help others but how can my sad little heart still get upset over this. It's something I wanted for myself and swore that I won't be like others. The world is cruel and I pledged that I won't be, not to others not towards myself, but I still can't help feeling a little bit miserable. Always someone who just gets used as a backup not as a main one. It might seem that I can't make friends but the problem is not about making friends. I have friends whom I have known individually for my whole life but that's it. I'm never important when it comes to a group. I am just a friend who fills of the space so that don't feel the void. It's a misery that I make myself go through. I wish I wasn't that of a people person. I wish I was someone important too. 

What I feel for you.

I just want to let you know that I am not the kind of person who wants you to break up with your girlfriend because I want you or so . It has been a thing since I was kid whatever is in my heart it's in my tongue. If I like you I do and I won't hide it . If I don't I don't. There's no bad blood like "Oh, I told I him I have a crush on him and he didn't respond" , " Oh, he is avoiding" . I don't get obsessed with anyone. I don't wish bad things for those who reject me. It's just been on my mind I wanted to tell you this last year but we weren't talking so much so I didn't. When you told me you had a girlfriend it hurt a little bit because if I had told you earlier something might have happened between us but that's alright. There's nothing like " Oh I won't text you anymore because you didn't respond to me." and blehh blehh. I just think it's important to let people know you adore them before the time get's up. I already lost once so I thought oh let's just tell him . I don't have hopes for anything , just clearing your doubt , I am busy myself. College will start soon then study plus I am doing double major. But there's a thing that I have the mind of a writer and a reader so all the stories I have seen or read or have written time plays a pivotal role and so I had to let you know before we lost touch again.